Episode 3: A Game of Rice

    

 

Episode 3: A Game of Rice

 

 

      Food is short at Tandangville, and tempers flare when an impromptu decision made during a reward challenge leads to a forfeit that rubs several tenants aversely. And it’s an exploitation of just how divided this tribe actually is. Offering his usual bite-sized doses of sagacity, ornery Artis mentions how the “tribe” hadn’t made a decision when referring to “Ricegate”, and that Mike was acting on his own inhibitions. But isn’t an individualistic mindset the very notion that one can conjure after watching numerous examples of the Tandang camp life? There’s precious little to ever be jolly about, and while many pervious tribes have been shown having a grand ol’ time, things are seemingly very cool in Tandangville. I’ve seen Randy Bailey smile more than I’ve seen grins on the respective members of Tandang when they are forced to coexist in a tiny little petri dish somewhere in the Philippines. Hell, a new member is ushered onto their tribe, and rather than becoming the outsider-looking-in, Malcolm becomes a potential leader. But what makes the Tandangians unique is their ability to excel when push comes to shove, and the Wooden Turkey Idol is on the line. 

 

 

Only idol I've ever been tempted to bid on on eBay

 

     Quite simply, the whole scenario is one giant microcosm of what happens to a tribe that was splintering from the beginning, and can be written off as another example of a tribe divided. On Survivor: Redemption Island, once Russell was voted out, Stephanie and Krista were pretty much reduced to simplified replicants of their former selves. In Survivor: Africa, the Samburu tribe was easily fractured from the beginning with a massive gender gap that forced Lindsey and company to exist as a tribe-in-a-tribe. A glue stick and rubber cement both act as adhesives, but nobody wants to be that kid at the science fair grimacing when his papers fall off his corrugated cardboard display because of improper adhesiveness. Not every tribe can end up as cohesive as Westman’s Koror bunch, and you would think that Tandang is one giant sticky note waiting to fall off the fridge, but their competitiveness might be their ultimate glue. One could say that they have an advantage going into the merge. While many lovey-dovey tribes are eventually forced to turn on and each other and render former friends pseudo-enemies (is Kelly still waiting from that olive branch from Sue Hawk?), Tandang already exists on a very individual level; which is exactly the point of Survivor post merge.

 

 

The timeless arbitrator

 

     Artis claims they are a tribe “plus one”. Any outsider tuning in would assume that Malcolm is the personification of Artis’s mathematical postulation, but he was actually referring to Mike. Malcolm comes in and is treated like a boss from day one. If Tandang was a close group, the idea of somebody infiltrating their unity would be disastrous, but Malcolm’s instant acceptance is one of the many signs that point to the tribe’s overall inflatable community. 

 

 

From new kid in town to new king in town...

 

 

     Mike’s decision was ultimately a flawed one. If the survivor’s were all plants, than rice would represent the sunlight and water that would allow them to survive. Botanically speaking, that might sound about as sound as Mike’s theories on the nutritional advantages of eating raw rice (I’m not Dr. Atkins or anything, but I believe the outer coating of rice creates for poor digestion in humans), but it’s a fairly accurate assessment of the game. Remember in Survivor: Australia when Jeff Probst offered some of the players rice because it had become fairly obvious that they may not of made it otherwise (Probst coolly took their shelter as compensation). Well, rice has been one of the great constants in the show, and it acts as sort of a soothsayer to the stomachs of those who fear emaciation and the prospects of starvation. Mike’s sudden deal was flawed for a couple of reasons though. Number one: it was done without complete agreement from his tribe. Clearly, the elastic on Artis’ birthday hat had snapped, because his vocal dissatisfaction of the move could be heard all the way at the Ponderosa. Such a voice of protest would have been enough to put the plan to a vote. Number two: There were no guarantees. You can’t trust Penner. You can trust him even less when his poker face is masked with mud and his head had spent the hour below a place where the sun rarely shines. You have zero idea how much rice they have at their disposal. Maybe they had similar problems with rations, and they had potentially less rice than Tandang. So while Mike’s heart was in the right place, it might have been a move that was more headstrong than headsmart. I suppose you could say that he was caught with mud on his face. 

 

 

 

Lisa looks so cutesy in the mud!

 

 

"Think they'll put this shot in the opening credits? Oh...yeah.  They stopped doing those..."

 

 

There comes an age when being called "Birthday Boy" isn't cute anymore.

 

The hat was obviously RC's idea!

 

     Onto RC. The last time we saw our heroine, she had turned to the sea to find refuge and relief. Sailors and swimmers alike have found inexpensive therapy in the open water for centuries, and one could clearly tell that RC was more at peace in the forgiving waters than she was around a tribe that had seemingly went out of it’s way to alienate her. The ocean never barked at her, reprimanded her, or planned to double-cross her. It was actually one of the most heartfelt moments on the show yet (I still enjoyed Russell’s soliloquy of psychoanalytical proportions to Denise as well), as RC attempted to separate herself from the rest of her tribe mates by showing genuine emotion without any such sacrosanct vindication. Her gorgeous serenade reminded us that these people are more normal than any of us superfans sometimes choose to believe.

 

All hail RC, Great Summoner of light!

 

     Clowns to the left of me/Jokers to the right/Here I am/Stuck in the middle with you, have surely been the lyrics playing in RC’s internal iPod ever since she realized the fraud that her alliance with Abi-Maria and Peter had become. And if costumes make a clown, than Abi-Marie deserves her own circus. Her opening strategy of using sex appeal has proved to be as sexy as a Kris Jenner nipslip, and her contributions at challenges prove that she’s about as competitive as table tennis matches in an old folks home (no offense, old ping-ponging peeps). And Pete, who is about as trustworthy as a department store mirror, becomes the “Joker“ in the Stealer‘s Wheel analogy. RC’s new plan consists of waiting for Abi-Maria to erupt like the vindictive volcano she honestly is. She’s playing a two-way game with Magic Mike, and in the history of two-way alliances, this one has potential. They’re a Malcolm/Lisa swing away from running this game, and it could very be Abi-Marie’s amateurish, naivety that could bite her in that unabashedly, much-ballyhooed derrière of hers. 

 

So long appetite... 

 

"Wonder what the brain trust is up to"

 

 

 

Hardcore strategizing

 

 

*Sigh

 

     RC has also become something of an expressionist during her tenure in Tandangville. She nails certain expressions that some actor’s spend years trying to perfect in front of their bathroom mirrors. From sheer exasperation to complete contention, RC’s penchant for magnificently manicured mannerisms has become one of the shining storylines of the year! Hey, if the rather stoic Sundra can get a cameo on Lost, then RC can surely carve a niche in the Silver Screen. Just sayin’…Let's take a quick look at some of her expressions:

Staring into oblivion...

 

 

Seriously?

 

 

Joshing

 

 

Here we go again...

 

 

My lips are sealed

 

 

Ennui

 

 

Determination

 

 

 

Bitch, please...

 

 

That's more like it!!! <3

 

 

     Back to game play, RC has limited options now, but she also has the potential to be an ambassador when a merge occurs. She’s the type of fringe player who is smart and savvy enough to find herself in a good position once the moniker of Tandangville is finally retired for good. For now, she’s still a strong part of Tandang’s dominance, and until Abi-Maria’s inevitable tempest, she just needs to lie low enough, and for her own benefit: far away from the toxic camp life and into the wistful waves of the ocean. I truly believe that RC has not yet begun to fight. 

 

Is this real life???

 

 

 

 

 

 

                              Lionel the Llama's Spit Award

Artis. Love the guy, but threatening to slap RC (joshing or not) is worth a couple of soaking servings of llama saliva. Son, I’m dissapoint

Episode 2: New Kid on the Tribal Block

Episode 2: New Kid on the Tribal Block

　

      When Jeff Probst revealed to the tribe that Russell Swan had been voted out, Russell let out a mighty sigh as if the wind had just been vacuumed from his chest. Nine long days of botched assignments, childhood confessions and spiritual manifesto had come to a screeching halt, and Russell had no words left to describe the situation. His failures conspired to create a sigh that’s sure to go down in Survivor lore, and not because it was terribly loud or emphatic; it was noteworthy because of the sheer disappointment that accompanied his obvious lament. And if Matsing was the sinking titanic, than the producer’s of the show made sure that the escape boat had a mere two seats. As Matsing’s number dwindled each week, it became painfully clear that there would be no tribal switcheroo, and that the Russell and co. were stuck at a camp that might as well of been built over quicksand. Survivor: Nicaragua’s Espada tribe was switched up only after a couple of the more amusing personalities had been cast off, and the Zhan Hu tribe on Survivor: China was juggled around after it was clear that they had about as much synergy as a team of replacement referees.

 

      The end result, in this scenario was the final two remaining Matsing players being reallocated to the two remaining tribes. Predictable, but also very necessary. (For the record, I think it may have been more captivating to let Malcolm and Denise dwindle down to one, and then let the two tribes essentially “win” the remaining member in the next Immunity Challenge…the power of the numbers game certainly being a mighty incentive). As a final note on Matsing, Russell would make one more cameo on the show: in the form of a monolithic bug that was clearly annoying the crap out of RC and friends with a buzz reminiscent of a chainsaw and the wingspan of an eagle. Follow the light, Russell…I’m begging you.

 

      It was the Eagles who sang it best: “Everybody’s talking/There’s a new kid in town.” The Tandang tribe would add Malcolm, and whenever there are switches, it always seems like a new season for a familiar sitcom. Everything is the same, but there’s somebody new in the mix, and it always puts everybody’s plan into the metaphysical Yahtzee cup. Yes indeedy, Tangdangville just ordered itself an order of Beefcake, and Malcolm’s charming machismo instantly rubs off on the tribe like butter on a dinner roll. He instantly gave them a boost for challenges…and wasn’t it so sweet to see Burnett loosen the purse strings and allow a reward challenge???

 

      So. I’ve long felt like Malcolm could be the Ying to RC’s Yang, but the initial impressions hardly vexed the clouds from my crystal ball. Taking a cue from Barney Stinson’s The Bro Code, Pete and Malcolm bond over…get this…their age!?!?!? I mean, that’s about as binding as sharing a womb, right? Painted in broad strokes, this bromance was already heating up, and RC was hurting. Desperate for an ally that could go five minutes without needing stitches (no offense, Mr. Skupin), RC saw an opportunity for a trump card. Specters of her past materialized before her eyes as she retired to the place where she finds her heaven: the ocean. It’s impossible for the heart to not surrender a beat as she recounts a childhood that involved bullying. Watching her swim with such powerful strokes quickly reminds us of her strength and resolve to champion her occasionally cumbersome demons. It’s nice to see RC separated from the game a little (most importantly, from Abi-Maria), and despite her disappointments, she shines bright regardless of the overcast and foreshadowing storms. The moment that she hugs Malcolm is warm and optimistic that Malcolm will give RC a fighter’s chance unlike the opportunistic pieces of RC’s first “alliance”. Fingers crossed. Toes crossed.

 

      Playing along with the sitcom analogy, Tangdangville certainly has a very colorful cast of characters, and Malcolm most likely has no idea what he‘s getting involved with:

 

      RC was greatly explored in the last episode of “RC‘s Adventures”, so let’s start with Abi-Maria. Like a spicy meatball, it looks tempting, but you’ll be paying for it the rest of the night if you decide to bite. She’s burning bridges faster than Sherman went through Atlanta, and she’s resting on the laurels of her idol whilst sitting on her hands during challenges and behaving like a total diva around camp. It took precious little time for Abi-Maria to become Nicki to RC’s Mariah, and the fallout has played itself out in every subsequent episode. Abi-Maria plays like a player lacking a serious end game; she’s very much existing in the present, and her trust of Pete could prove to be potentially dangerous.

 

      Concerning Pete, there is a fun little moment in Pearl Islands when Johnny Fairplay fails to court Darrah, and ends up looking even goofier than before (if such a thing is humanely possible). Well, let’s play along with a hypothetical and suggest that Darrah and Dalton consummated: the result would be Pete Yurkowski. Dude gained Darrah’s strong physique and enviable looks, but unfortunately, he didn’t inherit her calm, controlled demeanor. Darrah was a straight shooter who blew threw challenges like a big, bad wolf and kept her cards close to her chest. Like Fairplay (but a tad more cerebral), Pete is a pesky piss-ant that won’t rest until he morphs into Loki and has the forest burning and people begging him to summon the rainmaker. Pete’s strategy consists of more twists than Dan Brown literature, and he’s clearly banking on several implosions to occur in-house that’ll eventually turn the tribe upside down. What he doesn’t realize though, is that he’s going up against some calm vets who are bound to realize his trickery before long.

 

      Mike Skupin is written like one of Shakespeare’s fools, but he knows how to blend into his tribe. In his first ride on the Survivor carousel, he was a type-A personality trying to run the show, and eventually became isolated from the people around him. In this run, he’s more aware of what’s going on around him (mentally…obviously, not physically), and he’s found a way to be a cog without trying to run the whole damn machine. Whether Malcolm’s addition makes him irrelevant or not will depend on how strong his relations are with the following two contestants.

 

      Lisa is a pensive player who wears her introvertness on her sleeve like articles of psychological jewelry. And by appearing aloof and split from the tribe, she quickly had people making an extra effort around her to integrate her. It’s brilliant actually, as she becomes a potential confidant for several players, and as a potential swing vote, she has found a way to avoid the guillotine when the reaper comes a knockin’. She’s a member of the “collective alliance”, as in, the one never spoken of, but when schemes are planned, she’s bound to be included in talks on both sides. She has potential to go very far in this game.

 

      The cantankerous Artis also could go far if he stays under the radar. One can notice a lot of cowboy Rick in his game, and he could also be a potential swing vote. Other than that, very little is known about him. Potentially, like The X-Files Smoking Man or Lost‘s Smoke Monster, he is shrouded in great mystery initially, and is slowly built up for dramatic effect. Alls we know about ol’ Artis is that he’s a horse in challenges and has a menacing stare that would reduce an army of clowns to frownie emoticons.

 

      And that leaves RC. Working cohesively, Malcolm and RC could create a monsoon of hurt on the rest of the remaining castaways. They both have the perfect combination of gumption, athleticism and cunning to reach the top of the game and earn the ultimate payday. But how will Malcolm shake things up? Will he be wooed/swayed by RC’s more subtle alliance or be allured by Pete’s idol, muscle and similar age? Regardless of the path he takes, there will be a number of suitors vying for his vote. With more beef than a steakhouse, Tangdangville’s domination has only begun.

 

 

 

 

Lionel the Llama’s Spit Award:

 

Yurkowski. Wooing Malcolm like a brother in need of a wingman and blabbing about a found idol is tactfully referred to as ‘spreading yourself too thin’. Countdown before the conman get’s conned is…on.

Episode 1: RC...A Love Story

 

                                              Episode 1: RC…A Love Story

     “It’s not a cookie. It’s a Fig Newton.” Such a dated tagline still has relevance today because it builds upon the foundation of perception. Perception isn’t included in Survivor’s vaulted “Outwit, Outplay, Outlast” moniker (that acted as Survivor’s longstanding mantra until the Immunity Idol created a brand new slogan: “Find the Idol. Use the Idol. Find the Idol again.”), but it might be the most important aspect of the game. Perception tells me that the Tandang tribe is an igneous time bomb full of friction and ripe with villainy and staggering conceit. One pundit would argue that the Matsing tribe is just so woeful that it allows Tandang to coast in challenges, but that’s not true, as Tandang has taken first place on a couple of occasions. And that brings me to explain the force that’s holding Tandang together. Said force that I alluded to is none other than the Renaissance Girl herself: RC Saint-Armour. She’s a banker of New York origin with a name that’s as fun to say as it is to type.

 

      Now, basketball superstars are best defined as “two-way” players who excel at offense and defense. Baseball has “five-toll” players who demonstrate great abilities to hit, run and field. Using such an analogy, RC has more tools than a freakin’ Home Depot. She dominates challenges when given the opportunity; always plays with a smart, rationalistic approach; and is charming and cunning enough to pull off the ultimate victory. In other words, she provides stability and a solution to a situation otherwise filled with conflagration and catastrophe. She does this with a smile that would warm Scrooge’s heart enough that he’d shill out schillings to ever beggar in town (did I mention that she’s pretty pretty?). But alas, it appears that some unfortunate cartoon out there has misplaced a couple of it’s Looney Tunes.

 

     In potentially the greatest exhibition between human and artistic-sprite since Space Jam (and much earlier with Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), RC’s world is an exercise in the surreal. Imagine it to be like that fantastical scene in 500 Days of Summer when Joseph Gordon-Levitt first has sex with Zooey Deschenel and he embarks on a parade-like course through the city filled with frills and heavenly haughtiness. But what if he had been rejected and the two never consummated? Instead of seeing Harrison Ford in the windshield, he sees Johnny Fairplay. The jaunty Hall & Oates song is replaced with Wanda Shirk’s shrieking “musical” ode to Survivor, and the little cartoon bird so eager to indulge in his joy would hereby take a shit atop his head. According to the Survivor edit, it’s as if RC woke up one day and suddenly, everything she knew was wrong. She becomes Dorothy once her world stops spinning. Her perfect alliance had more tears than a scarecrow hemorrhaging straw. In a flash, our perceptions about her team changed drastically…

 

     Proving that the costume truly does make the clown, Abi’s flabbergasting flab morphs into the Dreadful Drizella to RC’s Cinderella. Peppered with paranoia, her conversations with RC become accusatory…proving to all that she truly is more “ass” than “class”. The personification of a Crash Test Dummy, Mike’s injuries become seemingly more severe and the blood loss accumulation starts to make one wonder if this show was being orchestrated by Burnett or Jigsaw. Lisa contorts herself from the innocuous introvert into a strategically sound player. Pete, like a super villain with a penchant for persnickety pestilence, becomes an opportunistic puppet-master playing both sides as if he’s Snoopy and “the game” has become his table-tennis board. And Artis showed that his vocal chords could scientifically produce sounds when exercised. RC’s befuddled expression as the Brazilian Villain rips into her in the second episode represents what was going on in her head and the viewers. One is simply waiting for the grand piano to fall from the sky or the “bang” sign to pop out of a fired gun.

 

      And with a boost of bravado, RC still managed to shine like that stubborn, flickering bug light that can’t be dimmed (I admit, not the most attractive comparison…sorry I’ll try again). Like a robust, resplendent candle that cannot be snuffed no matter how many futile attempts to abhor it‘s illuminated glow, RC continued to deliver when it mattered the most. She put together a puzzle whilst Pete took a mulligan, and she swam to the very depths of the abyss when the rest of her team was too winded. Amidst all the strife and discord, she stood out like a marble in a bag of pearls. And the next day, she finds herself in the parallel universe again. The people she assumed to be human beings transcended themselves back into cartoon caricatures, and RC’s “oh, f-me” look tells a narrative without nary a word be spoken.

 

     So is she playing Survivor or Tron? Is Jeff Probst giving her instructions on an Immunity Challenge or offering her a couple pills and telling her that one will make her wake up and the other brings her into the Matrix? (Probst with shades and leather coat would be pretty badass, agree?) How can her tribe seem so ready to fall at the heels of fail one minute and pull off numerous victories the next? The answer, as always, comes with RC’s vivacious awesomeness…obviously. Her tribe is presented with internal struggle, and one can’t help but think of other Survivors facing strife in the face as habitually as RC.

 

     Stephenie was the heart of Ulong, but even her great will couldn’t garner victories. That wascally, wittle waterbug named Rob Cesternino sprinkled pixie dust in true trickster fashion for the brunt of Amazon to turn the targets off himself…but he couldn’t quite con his way to the finale. Parvati partook the crown jewels of several men in her quest to the top, but she could never charm the “pens” (see what I did there) of the males when it came time to write her name over Sandra’s. Eliza was as crafty as Eve’s serpentine suitor, but she had a habit of aligning herself with players lacking gumption (Jason “little Ozzie” Siska comes to mind).

 

     The list continues, and where many have faltered, RC continues to shine. With such a lineage of cookies, RC stands out as the Fig Newton of the class. She spits in the face of adversary. Her game is an intricate amalgam of players who have played before her; a pulverizing pastiche of combining other’s strengths and weeding out their weaknesses simultaneously. She keeps a cool head like a dedicated AC (J ). She competes with a warrior’s will, and represents a vignette of virtuous patience. I’ve long thought of Survivor as an overarching allegory whereas each season builds off of the other in a way that breeds predictability and ennui to cultivate, but then I witness a player like RC…who blows old theories to shreds and forces odds makers to scramble in an effort to cover their asses. I rarely gamble, but I’d bet a bunch of boullion on RC’s chances. And remember: You can’t spell “Renaissance Girl” without “R” & “C”! :D

　

 

                                                       

                                                       Lionel the Llama’s Spit Award:

 

Abi-Marie. Talking trash with RC is criminal enough, but outright ignoring her is punishable by multiple llama spit shots. This girl is as fruity as a bowl of skittles. Be advised though; this is one rainbow you don’t want to taste.